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Wanted: Male Escort

The job ad looks tempting at first glance. They promise lots of travel, enquire if you have a passport, a Schengen visa, a driver’s license before asking for a photo but making the odd point that it doesn’t have to show your face.

I’m not sure what that says about the female clients that use the male escort agency advertising on so I’ll just throw it out there for a Ph.D. student in need of a topic.

Ugly doesn’t seem to matter but to work for it does help if you are a sportsman, stripper or model, the ad says. They also need “brutalniye” or macho men older than 35.

The ads are all over the Russian and Ukrainian web, but the  agency owner did not respond after a snap of a random Men’s Health cover with the head torn off was sent to him.

Olga Utkina, a journalist at a paper with a slightly bigger budget — Bolshoi Gorod — had more luck writing a smart piece about a night out with an escort who turned up to the Bar Strelka dressed all in white as if auditioning to be Nikolai Baskov.

He cost 15,000 rubles ($520) for a few hours — the money was collected by another man in white in the metro — and he then sat and did bugger all the whole night. Baskov would have sung at least.

She had paid for the non-sex version, using the line that she just wanted to talk. Sadly this did not give her the chance to use the phrase beloved of the British tabloid News of the World after visiting a house or person of ill repute — “I made my excuses and left.”

He did say she looked beautiful on arrival but as she noted: “Frankly my dear, if a live horse was before you banging its hooves on the bar you would say the same.”

She did the only thing you should do, got wasted and started talking to him about life, Russia, her love for the motherland and how even though things were up shit creek she could never leave her country. He then, of course, responded by talking about his desire to make films for United Russia and take their money.

Judging by the other male escort sites out there, most women don’t list political or moral preferences so women can see what they are getting when they choose an escort.

Instead, some have a very detailed wish list. “Bondage and Submission — Yes — Professional” lists one, along with the euphemistic “Intimate Pleasure — Yes.” Some people take intimate pleasure in a cup of tea and a packet of digestives, but that is probably not what Willy the diminutive Ghanian living in Moscow who is advertising his $250 an hour wares on the site is offering.

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