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Welcome to Moscow!
We expats are delighted that you’ve come for a visit and wanted to give you a few tips for negotiating the city, your hosts and those tricky arms treaties.
First, as you zip around the city at approximately 200 kilometers an hour, you’ll notice that the streets are packed with millions of parked cars. These are actually vehicles filled with frustrated drivers stuck in ???€???±???? (traffic jams; literally “corks”).
On a good day, the traffic in Moscow is horrendous. During your visit, it’s frankly going to be a friggin’ nightmare. To generate good will, the first thing you should say at every meeting, interview and speaking engagement is: ???€?????????? ???????? ???·???????µ?????? ?·?° ???€???±???? (I’m terribly sorry about the traffic jams).
Then you need to know how to address your host … er, hosts … er, host. Whatever.
“Putin” is easy to pronounce, but “Medvedev” is a mouthful for English speakers. Happily, you can avoid their last names and address them as ???????????????? ???€?µ?·?????µ???‚ (Mr. President) and ???????????????? ???€?µ?????µ?€-???????????‚?€ (Mr. Prime Minister). If you’re not sure who’s in charge, don’t worry: No one here knows either. If you wind up in the same room with them, you might look in their general direction and address your comments to ?????????????° (gentlemen).
Here in Moscow, it’s hard to tell which official statements are: for internal consumption and can be ignored; for external consumption and should be noted; or blurted out on a bad hair day. So who knows what you’ll hear at the negotiating table. Heck, for all I know, you guys just crack open a couple of beers, kick back and get down to some good-natured horse-trading.
But you might hear the oft-repeated phrase, ???‹ ?????‚?°?»?? ?? ?????»?µ?? (We’ve gotten up off our knees) as if Russians had crawled their way through the 1990s. I recall those years well, and I don’t remember anyone on their knees in humiliation. To the contrary, at the time, they were impressed by the aid we were giving them, especially considering that they still had all their nukes pointed at us. In any case, we gave billions to them so they could get on their feet, and now they say they are — so we’re copacetic, right? ???€???µ?…?°?»?? (Moving right along … )
Another theme is: ???°?? ?????€???¶?°???‚ ???€?°???? (We’re surrounded by enemies). This one’s easy. If it comes up, just ask: ?•???‚?? ?? ???°?? ???°?€?‚?°? (Have you got a map?) Then you show them that their country is one-seventh of the world’s land mass. Nothing surrounds it. In fact, nothing and no one could ever surround it. ???µ?‚ ???€???±?»?µ??! (No problem!)
This treaty stuff is a snap.
A more serious problem is the Russian image of Americans. On the one hand, we are all-powerful and personally responsible for every crime, natural disaster, economic problem, riot, coup and war anywhere on Earth. On the other hand, we’re the stupidest people who ever lived. True, the latter image is the United States’ fault. Whose idea, after all, was it to make “Dumb and Dumber” an international release?
In any case, you might hear yourself referred to as ???? - ???€?µ?·?????µ???‚ ?????????????‚?°???° (PP, the President of Pindostan). Pindostan is the home of ?????????????‹ (the pindos), a slang word for Americans that is rich with obscene and comical overtones. But don’t take it personally. The original meaning of the word is a pony from the Pindos mountain range. Take the high road and say: ?????°?????±?? ?·?° ?????????»?????µ???‚! ??‚?? ???????? ?????µ?»?‹?µ ?? ???‹???????»?????‹?µ, ?…???‚?? ?????€???? ???·?»???????µ ?????€?????‹?µ - ???°?? ?°???µ?€?????°???†?‹. (Thanks for the compliment! These ponies are brave and sturdy, although sometimes too stubborn — like Americans.)
Finally, you should know the word ?€?µ???????‚?€?°?†????, translated as “visa registration” or “the bane of expats’ existence.” This is the process by which foreigners register, deregister, and reregister their visas approximately every five minutes. I know the registration system is Russia’s internal affair and you can’t meddle, but please, can’t you trade something to get us exempt? How about giving them back part of Alaska? Or canceling plans to deploy missile defense? Believe me, it’s worth it.
If you have any other questions, just ask us expats. In the meantime, we hope you enjoy our magnificent adopted city.
Michele A. Berdy is a Moscow-based translator and interpreter.
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