PARIS - Democracy isn't easy. Dictatorship is no fun. Hardly surprising, then, that some Russians are pining tor the third option, monarchy. Life under the Romanovs, after all, could hardly be worse than under Stalin or Brezhnev. But even as they mourn the untimely deaths of Czar Nicholas II and his family, the most diehard Russian royalists should keep the following in mind:


Princess Stephanie of Monaco is about to give birth to an illegitimate child fathered by a fishmonger who once worked as her bodyguard. To celebrate the event, she had her right ankle tattooed to match the flying dragon on his left shoulder, and invited a photographer from Pads Match to immortalize her swollen belly.


Madonna, the American pop-and-sex idol, has invited Princess Diana to stay with her in New York "to get some peace and quiet" following the storm that has erupted over her marriage to the heir to the English throne, Prince Charles Revelations this summer of Diana's plight - she suffers from an eating disorder and once threw


herself down a flight of stairs - have prompted all three major U. S. television networks to rush out miniseries on the royal woes. ABC has found a look-alike to play Fergie, Diana's sister-in-law, who soared to international stardom a few weeks ago when her "financial adviser" was photographed kissing her toes, and more, in the south of France. Most of the Windsors are about to have their state allowances cut, and Her Majesty the Queen may be forced to start handing over money to Her Majesty's Inspector of Taxes.


Spain, meanwhile, has been, in convulsions ever since an Italian magazine dared to suggest that the revered King Juan Carlos had a girlfriend. The king is famed in royal circles for his "charm", but Spaniards were outraged that this was disclosed by a foreign publication. Prime Minister Felipe Gonzalez even borrowed a KGB line by complaining about "foreign plots" to undermine the state.


The Romanovs, or what's left of them in exile have not fared much belter. Since the death of Grand Duke Vladimir this year, the family has been torn by a nasty succession battle between his Paris-based daughter, Grand Duchess Maria Vladimirovna, and a 71-year-old prince who lives in Rome. Each faction claims that the other has violated imperial Russian law.


All of which goes to show that royals are great entertainment and a useful public distraction in hard times. They also provide a lot of business for freelance photographers and inventive writers. So, please, go ahead and bring back the Romanovs. Just don't complain when Pravda runs pictures of their toes, tattoos and tiffs. and dont expect to be ruled by people with any class.