Helpful Hints For the Average Russian Suitor

I hate to be critical, but it seems to me Russian men could use a little help with their pick-up techniques. This is especially true when the object of their attentions is a Western female. Not that their European or American counterparts are in any way ideal, mind you, but years of feminist male-bashing seems to have had some civilizing effect on them.


When a Russian takes the leap into cross-cultural dating, he tends to let the Slavic tendency to extremism take over. While this can be charming, it is daunting for those of us used to a more understated approach. Although far from an expert on the subject, I would like to offer a few bits of friendly advice to prospective Lotharios.


First of all, there is a distinct difference between a conversation and a lecture. The verbal spreading of tail feathers is something the male of the species is prone to by nature. It is, however, seldom the way to a woman's heart, especially if your area of expertise happens to be nuclear physics or obscure turn-of-the-century Russian philosophers.


I recently met a very nice young man who persisted in enlightening me as to Vasily Rozanov's philosophical position on questions of gender and sex. This was not as interesting as it may sound.


I now know more than I ever wanted to about Rozanov, while my interlocutor knows absolutely nothing about me -- he never slowed down long enough for me to get a word in.


It may seem that I am caviling -- isn't philosophy preferable to the Western male's harangues on football or politics? And "What is your understanding of Nietzsche?" certainly has more class than "How 'bout them Mets?" as an ice-breaker. But a Russian male trying to interest a Western female may be well advised to focus some of his famous intensity directly on her.


Another surefire turnoff is any reference to the inferior mental capabilities of women. I do not think one has to be a rabid feminist to find remarks like "Women's minds are just not as sharp as men's" irritating.


The last time I went out with a Russian male, he kept telling me that men were inherently logical, while women were more intuitive. "Not that there's anything wrong with that," he added patronizingly. "It's just that women do not seem to be able to think through to the essence of things the way a man can."


I wanted to do him bodily harm, but contented myself with a pointed diatribe on what a lousy job the logical Russian male has done on the nation's economy. This earned me a sneer -- "See? Women just can't think straight."


Next, an undue display of physicality is likely to send the average Western woman screaming out the door. Russian men seem to think that refusing their advances is a form of coquetry calling for a forceful response. I once was bitten on the leg -- quite severely -- for turning down what seemed to me a particularly inappropriate suggestion by a new acquaintance.


Another overeager suitor decided not to bother with normal niceties: He came up to me at a cocktail party and, without a word to me, took me by the arm and dragged me out the door. I was so astonished that it was several minutes before I was able to ask him what he was doing.


I must confess, though, at the risk of destroying the last of my credibility, that the caveman approach worked -- I ended up dating him for months.