LOS ANGELES -- At the midway point of the National Football League's 75th birthday party, it's a good thing George Halas isn't around to witness it. By now, he would be chewing candles.
Thanks to numerous changes in everything from rules to rosters, the 1994 version of the NFL is far removed from the days of real men with real jack-o'-lantern smiles.
This is no longer a football league, but a theme park.
This is a pleasant Sunday diversion notable not for its lessons in courage and determination, but for its wild rides, unusual exhibits and sideshows.
The San Diego Chargers, picked to finish fourth in their division by many, have been splendid. The Los Angeles Raiders, picked to advance to the Super Bowl by many, have been pathetic. And the once proud Green Bay Packers have pouted, stumbled, and even been moved out of Milwaukee.
The once legendary run-and-shoot offense of the Houston Oilers is being led by Billy Joe Tolliver? The Washington shoes of quarterbacks Billy Kilmer, Sonny Jurgensen and Joe Theismann are being filled by Gus Frerotte?
The second half of this season will contain more substance. The second half always does. There might even be a good game that does not involve Joe Montana or John Elway.
But for now, eight Sundays down, nine Sundays remaining, it's worth taking a tour of the place.
n
The first stop is the winners' exhibit.
In the last 11 quarters, the 49er defense has stopped bickering, and the offense has outscored opponents 110-33. Quarterback Young and Coach George Seifert, not the best of friends, have joined in the realization that if they don't advance to the Super Bowl this year, they might never do it.
Seifert will get fired, and Young will be ordered to tend the guest register in the Joe Montana Hall of Fame. Beating the Cowboys in their November 13 showdown would certainly be more fun. And now it can happen.
Dallas, clearly the best team in the league yet again, suddenly looks beatable. Even if its potential downfall has nothing to do with a football.
The problem is an injury to the best offensive lineman in football. But the playing field was an interstate highway, and the equipment was a Mercedes.
After celebrating a bruising victory over the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday, tackle Erik Williams suffered a possible season-ending knee injury when his car skidded off the road in the middle of the night. There went the guardian angel of quarterback Troy Aikman and running back Emmit Smith.
There have been no other true winners in the first half. Just teasers.
The San Diego Chargers under Bobby Ross showed in Sunday's loss to Denver that they are neither deep nor experienced enough to win the sort of game in which everything goes wrong. And don't count yet on the Cleveland Browns, who share the league's best record with the Cowboys and Chargers.
n
That old man standing alone in the corner? That's the centerpiece of our losers' exhibit, Buddy Ryan.
He is standing alone now because of what happened Sunday, when his team had a chance to tie the Cowboys with a touchdown. Yet he was five yards from the sideline huddle between offensive coaches and quarterback Steve Beuerlein. Get a clue, Buddy.
That weeping young man in the other corner? Poor Dave Shula, who was already whipped on national television by his father, Don, when the Miami Dolphins beat the Cincinnati Bengals.
He is crying because he is thinking of Christmas Eve in Cincinnati -- the day his team (if he hasn't been fired by then) will lose to the Eagles and set an NFL record with 16 defeats in a season. As in 0-16.
n
The tour of the players' exhibit with a recap of a recent interview with Aikman.
The interviewer was a Cowboy team doctor. Aikman had just suffered a blow to the head. The doctor asked Aikman the day, the date and the year.
Aikman missed two of the three questions. But to no one's surprise he knew it was Sunday. Nobody this season has been more sure of Sundays than he.
Aikman has been the best player in the league, so far, not because of his numbers, but because of his nerve, his leadership and his ability to command a championship team that would ultimately fail without him.
Put it this way: He could become the first player to be voted most valuable player and coach of the year.
Oops, there's another MVP candidate streaking through the exhibit. Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions could win simply because he is giving the football world goosebumps again. He leads the NFC in rushing with 889 yards.
n
And then there's the rookies' wing. Dan "Big Duddy" Wilkinson of the Bengals, last spring's No. 1 overall draft pick, has been this fall's No. 1 overall rookie bust. He finally got his first sack on Sunday. Soon, perhaps, opponents will even have to start blocking him.
Other busts include Henry Ford, that Edsel of a defensive end for the Oilers. And how about quarterbacks Heath Shuler of the Redskins and Trent Dilfer of the Buccaneers?
The best rookies are easier to spot. All of them remind you of somebody.
Marshall Faulk, running back for the Indianapolis Colts, is a clone of Thurman Thomas. Antonio Langham, cornerback for the Browns, does everything like Deion Sanders except strut.
Bernard Williams, tackle for the Eagles, is another Erik Williams. Without the Mercedes, of course.
Thanks to numerous changes in everything from rules to rosters, the 1994 version of the NFL is far removed from the days of real men with real jack-o'-lantern smiles.
This is no longer a football league, but a theme park.
This is a pleasant Sunday diversion notable not for its lessons in courage and determination, but for its wild rides, unusual exhibits and sideshows.
The San Diego Chargers, picked to finish fourth in their division by many, have been splendid. The Los Angeles Raiders, picked to advance to the Super Bowl by many, have been pathetic. And the once proud Green Bay Packers have pouted, stumbled, and even been moved out of Milwaukee.
The once legendary run-and-shoot offense of the Houston Oilers is being led by Billy Joe Tolliver? The Washington shoes of quarterbacks Billy Kilmer, Sonny Jurgensen and Joe Theismann are being filled by Gus Frerotte?
The second half of this season will contain more substance. The second half always does. There might even be a good game that does not involve Joe Montana or John Elway.
But for now, eight Sundays down, nine Sundays remaining, it's worth taking a tour of the place.
n
The first stop is the winners' exhibit.
In the last 11 quarters, the 49er defense has stopped bickering, and the offense has outscored opponents 110-33. Quarterback Young and Coach George Seifert, not the best of friends, have joined in the realization that if they don't advance to the Super Bowl this year, they might never do it.
Seifert will get fired, and Young will be ordered to tend the guest register in the Joe Montana Hall of Fame. Beating the Cowboys in their November 13 showdown would certainly be more fun. And now it can happen.
Dallas, clearly the best team in the league yet again, suddenly looks beatable. Even if its potential downfall has nothing to do with a football.
The problem is an injury to the best offensive lineman in football. But the playing field was an interstate highway, and the equipment was a Mercedes.
After celebrating a bruising victory over the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday, tackle Erik Williams suffered a possible season-ending knee injury when his car skidded off the road in the middle of the night. There went the guardian angel of quarterback Troy Aikman and running back Emmit Smith.
There have been no other true winners in the first half. Just teasers.
The San Diego Chargers under Bobby Ross showed in Sunday's loss to Denver that they are neither deep nor experienced enough to win the sort of game in which everything goes wrong. And don't count yet on the Cleveland Browns, who share the league's best record with the Cowboys and Chargers.
n
That old man standing alone in the corner? That's the centerpiece of our losers' exhibit, Buddy Ryan.
He is standing alone now because of what happened Sunday, when his team had a chance to tie the Cowboys with a touchdown. Yet he was five yards from the sideline huddle between offensive coaches and quarterback Steve Beuerlein. Get a clue, Buddy.
That weeping young man in the other corner? Poor Dave Shula, who was already whipped on national television by his father, Don, when the Miami Dolphins beat the Cincinnati Bengals.
He is crying because he is thinking of Christmas Eve in Cincinnati -- the day his team (if he hasn't been fired by then) will lose to the Eagles and set an NFL record with 16 defeats in a season. As in 0-16.
n
The tour of the players' exhibit with a recap of a recent interview with Aikman.
The interviewer was a Cowboy team doctor. Aikman had just suffered a blow to the head. The doctor asked Aikman the day, the date and the year.
Aikman missed two of the three questions. But to no one's surprise he knew it was Sunday. Nobody this season has been more sure of Sundays than he.
Aikman has been the best player in the league, so far, not because of his numbers, but because of his nerve, his leadership and his ability to command a championship team that would ultimately fail without him.
Put it this way: He could become the first player to be voted most valuable player and coach of the year.
Oops, there's another MVP candidate streaking through the exhibit. Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions could win simply because he is giving the football world goosebumps again. He leads the NFC in rushing with 889 yards.
n
And then there's the rookies' wing. Dan "Big Duddy" Wilkinson of the Bengals, last spring's No. 1 overall draft pick, has been this fall's No. 1 overall rookie bust. He finally got his first sack on Sunday. Soon, perhaps, opponents will even have to start blocking him.
Other busts include Henry Ford, that Edsel of a defensive end for the Oilers. And how about quarterbacks Heath Shuler of the Redskins and Trent Dilfer of the Buccaneers?
The best rookies are easier to spot. All of them remind you of somebody.
Marshall Faulk, running back for the Indianapolis Colts, is a clone of Thurman Thomas. Antonio Langham, cornerback for the Browns, does everything like Deion Sanders except strut.
Bernard Williams, tackle for the Eagles, is another Erik Williams. Without the Mercedes, of course.
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