One of Russia's more dubious holidays, International Women's Day, is nearly upon us. This is the one day a year a woman is supposedly allowed to put her feet up and have any men on hand do everything for her. It is also the day when she receives wonderful life-affirming gifts like pots and pans, cleaning liquids or maybe a new apron, just to remind her of what she'll be up to for the next 364 days.


If there are any women in your life not physically close enough to be presented with such treasures, you must do the second best thing: work the phones.


This is true not only for March 8, but for every holiday that exists in the Russian calendar. The holiday telephone call is Russia's Hallmark card -- it makes note of the important fact that you remembered, but does not go out of its way to be particularly innovative.


Spend time with a Russian on New Year's or Easter and you will see a resigned rolling up of the sleeves and a sitting down to an intensive hour of phone calling and well-wishing to various friends and relatives, all of whom are busy doing the same thing themselves.


Only once accounts have been settled, it seems, can the holiday can really begin.


This is not to say that Russians do not enjoy talking on the phone. But the typical holiday phone call script, unless it leads into an actual conversation, is formulaic and rather dry.


This is good for foreigners who want to do right by their host country, because it is very easy to pick up.


As soon as the person answers the phone, you take a deep breath and begin: I congratulate you with the eighth of March. I wish you happiness, good health, and success in your family life, I hug you, I kiss you, etc.


The amount of emotion you put into your recitation is entirely up to you. What the listener gets out of hearing this year after year is not certain, but the important thing is you are off the hook.


There are only a few variations on the theme. On Women's Day, for example, it is recommended that the caller be particularly tender and flattering in his choice of words and that he remind her of how well-loved she is by the people in her life, be they her grandchildren, children or husband.


People should also be wished success in the workplace when it is appropriate, something that was probably more fun when there were Soviet holidays like Television Employees' Day and Tank Drivers' Day.


A final note: Hallmark may have a belated congratulations section, but the Russian phone call does not.


Don't be late.