?’?°?…?‚?‘?€: porter
We haven’t had a Friday pop quiz in ages. Here’s one: What is ?§????? a) a chain of Japanese restaurants; b) the sound coins make as you deposit them in the annoying hypermarket payment machines; c) a salad of chopped greens; d) a rent-a-cop agency; e) get to the point already.
For impatient readers, it’s (d). ?§???? is the acronym for ?‡?°???‚?????µ ???…?€?°???????µ ???€?µ?????€?????‚???µ (private security agency). This is also called ?‡?°???‚???°?? ???…?€?°?????°?? ???€???°?????·?°?†???? (private security organization) but less often due to the unfortunate acronym ?§????. If you’re ???µ???????€???‚?? (security), you want to sound tough, not like a sneeze.
???…?€?°?????????? (guards) are the people who “work” in these agencies. OK, OK. They work, if you can call “work” yelling at people for doing things they have a right to do, like photographing buildings or walking near a flower bed.
Because wearing a uniform and yelling at people is fun, it’s a popular job. It’s much better than being in the army, where you wear a uniform but people yell at you. In Moscow, it seems that most ???…?€?°?????????? come from elsewhere, which speaks very badly for life in the provinces: ???°?€???? ?? ???µ?€?µ???????… ?»???±?? ?????‘?‚, ?»???±?? ?µ?·?????‚ ?€?°?±???‚?°?‚?? ?? ?????€?????µ ???…?€?°?????????°????. (Men in the villages either drink or go into the city to work as guards.)
While ???…?€?°?????????? can guard anything, from a park to a person, ???‚???€???¶ usually guards some kind of property. On the territory of a factory or dacha community, the ???‚???€???¶ might have his own ?±???????° (booth, hut). In smaller buildings, the ???‚???€???¶ is supposed to keep his eye on things. Or not: ???? ?????‚?€?????»???? ???‚???€???¶?µ?? ?? ?????????‚?µ?°?‚?€. ?????‡???°?? ?€?°?±???‚?°, ?…???‡?µ???? — ??????, ?…???‡?µ???? — ?‡???‚?°??, ?…???‡?µ???? — ???????°??. (He got a job as a guard in a movie theater. Night work — sleep if you want, read if you want, daydream if you want.)
Four-footed ???‚???€???¶?° usually take their job more seriously: ?? ?????‡?°?€???? ?±?‹?» ???????‚???????‚ ???‚???€???¶?µ???????? ?????°: ???…?€?°?????? ?…???·???????????µ, ???????° ???µ ???????…???µ????. (The shepherd had the instincts of a guard dog: protect the owner’s property to his last breath.) If you really want a good guard dog, get one that’s called that — ?????????????????°?? ???‚???€???¶?µ???°?? (Moscow Watchdog). Developed in the 1940s, this dog looks like a sweet St. Bernard, but has the personality of a howitzer.
Another kind of guard who must be approached with extreme caution is ?‚?µ?»???…?€?°?????‚?µ?»??, easily deciphered as bodyguard (?‚?µ?»?? — body, ?…?€?°?????‚?? — to guard). One job advertisement describes the role of the ?‚?µ?»???…?€?°?????‚?µ?»?? this way: ???°?…???????‚?????? ?€???????? ?? ???»???µ???‚???? … ?? ???„?????µ ?‚?µ?»???…?€?°?????‚?µ?»?? ?????»?¶?µ?? ?????‚?°?‚?? ???‚???»?±???? ???????»?? ?????µ?€?? … ?° ?? ???»???‡?°?µ ?????°?????????‚?? ?·?°???€?‹?‚?? ?µ???? ?????????? ?‚?µ?»???? (stay near the client … in an office the bodyguard stands like pillar by the door … and in case of danger he covers his client with his body). Standing like a pillar might be okay in a noble sort of way; covering the client with your body sounds less fun, unless you are Whitney Houston and the bodyguard is Kevin Costner. Or the other way around.
The best kind of guard is, in my view, the ???°?…?‚?‘?€ (porter) — the guy (usually old) who stands by the door of a business checking passes and chatting. This job has a great side benefit: gossip collection. ?????µ???†?°?€?‹, ???°?…?‚?‘?€?‹, ?»???„?‚?‘?€?‹, ?????„?‘?€?‹ — ???°???°?? ???????µ???????»?‘?????°?? ?????±?»?????°. (Doormen, porters, elevator operators and drivers are always the best informed).
Nice work if you can get it.
Michele A. Berdy, a Moscow-based translator and interpreter, is author of “The Russian Word’s Worth” (Glas), a collection of her columns.