LONDON -- When the prison guards weren't out shopping for smoked salmon the IRA gunmen fancied, they followed the rules: no searches, no taps on cell doors before noon -- and no forgetting little extras like the oven-fresh bread.


Even so, six prisoners decided to leave.


An inquiry into the armed breakout Sept. 9 from the top-security Whitemoor Prison reveals pampering, luxury and bungling right out of the Keystone Kops.


The governing Conservatives, the self-styled party of law and order, are blushing.


Home Secretary Michael Howard, clutching the report released Monday on the breakout from Whitemoor in rural Cambridgeshire, 175 kilometers north of London, struggled to sound tough in the House of Commons -- and to be heard above jeers and laughter.


He acknowledged that the report by retired police chief Sir John Woodcock revealed a "dreadful state of affairs" -- and said he was tightening up.


He brushed aside demands for his resignation.


"Will he at least claim to be guilty but insane?" chimed opposition lawmaker Tony Banks.


Hints of the lavish lifestyle leaked before the escape. In July, a prison inspector reported that the guards at Whitemoor were in awe of their fearsome charges who, in turn, treated them with "tolerant but friendly condescension."


The report called the night that five convicted Irish Republican Army prisoners and another convict scaled two walls and cut through a fence while the guards played Scrabble as "a disaster waiting to happen."


"So many things were wrong ... that the escape could have taken place on any day of any week with the same chance of success," commented Woodcock.


Outside the prison, the escapees shot and wounded a guard who raised the alarm. Four were recaptured quickly and police dogs found the other two within a few hours hiding in a ditch.


As well as two pistols, the men had a 10-meter rope ladder made from torn mattresses, torches, and an array of tools -- a do-it-yourself escape outfit made behind lace curtains in the hobbies room.


Two sets of lace curtains were supplied after prisoners grumbled about lack of privacy. Body searches of visitors stopped after they complained about that.


Shopping day was Tuesday, when prisoners sent the guards off to stores sometimes 32 kilometers away.


"Inmates described receiving crates of food before Christmas and telephoning a butcher to order 16 fillet steaks and 24 lamb chops," said the report.


One prisoner threw a bag of potatoes back at the guard because they were too small. The guard went back for bigger ones.