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Short Guide on How to Deal With the Cops

?’???µ???? ?????±?€??????: All the best

A  non-Russian friend happened to visit an acquaintance in the city center during one of the demonstrations this week. This bit of misfortune made him realize two things. First, it’s really scary to walk out of an apartment building smack into a division of cops armed to the teeth and in full riot gear.

And second: This communication event is not covered adequately in Russian textbooks. ?—???€?°?????‚???????‚?µ! ???°?? ???‹ ?????¶?????°?µ?‚?µ? (Hello! How are you?) really doesn’t cut it.

Of course, you should listen to your mother and those embassy warden messages and avoid potential riots. But if you happen to find yourself in the seriously wrong place at the definitely wrong time, here is a short cultural and linguistic guide to making it home safe and sound.

1. ?’?µ?¶?»?????????‚??, ???µ?¶?»?????????‚?? ?? ?µ?‰?‘ ?€?°?· ???µ?¶?»?????????‚??! (Be polite no matter what!) Take your hands out of your pockets. Stop fiddling with your cell phone. Put your camera away. Smile in a relaxed, friendly manner (this may require some practice in a mirror).

When addressed, use the ???‹ form (polite form) in your response even if you have been asked, “???°???????? ?…?€?µ???° ?·???µ???? ???µ?»?°?µ?????” (What the hell are you up to?)

2. Remember: ?›?µ???‚?? ???µ ?±?‹???°?µ?‚ ???€???±???? (flattery will get you everywhere; literally. “flattery is never too obvious”). Address everyone in uniform as ?“?????????????? ?????»????????????! (Mr. Colonel!) even if he’s a pimply kid just out of grade school.

3. Explain why you are there in simple phrases that are easy to say and understand. ?? ?‚???‚ ?¶?????? (I live here). ?? ?????? ???° ?€?°?±???‚?? (I’m going to work). ?????? ???????€?????°/?????? ???€???? ?·???µ???? ?¶?????‘?‚ (My girlfriend/boyfriend lives here). ?? ???€?????‚?? ???‘?» ?? ???µ?‚?€?? (I was just heading to the metro station).

4. It is generally not advisable to immediately identify yourself as a foreigner and demand to see a consular officer. That suggests that you are up to no good. When asked, say with an exaggerated accent: ?? — ???‚?????µ???‚ (I’m a student). ?? – ?°???µ?€?????°?????????? /?°?????»???????????? ?????‚?€?????????? ???µ?¶???????°?€?????????? ???€???°?????·?°?†???? (I’m an American /English employee of an international organization).

5. If you are hauled off to the police buses before you have a chance to utter a word, ???µ ???????€???‚?????»???????? (Don’t resist). They don’t like that.

6. Just in case, bone/polish up on the Russian for various body parts and organs so that you can say — politely — ???µ ???????°???‚?µ ???? ?????‡???°??, ?????¶?°?»???????‚?°! (Please don’t kick my kidneys!) It may be helpful to memorize the all-purpose phrase: ????! ?‘???»??????! (Ouch! That hurts!)

7. In the paddy wagon, it is perfectly acceptable to chat up with the other detainees. A pleasant opening line might be: ?—???€?°?????‚???????‚?µ! ???µ???? ?·???????‚ ???»?°?? (Hello! My name is Alan). ?•???»?? ?‡?‚??, ?????·?????????‚?µ ?????µ?? ?¶?µ???µ, ?»?°??????? (If something happens, could you call my wife?)

You can also exchange pleasantries with the police officers, although this is probably not a good time to discuss the finer points of NATO expansion or European missile deployment. A simple ?…???»???????? ???° ???»???†?µ (it’s cold out there) will suffice.

8. At the precinct, state one sentence clearly, calmly and repeatedly: ?? ?????‡?µ???? ???µ ?????°?¶?? ???»?? ?????????????? ?±?µ?· ???????????»?° ?????µ???? ?????????»?????‚???° (I won’t say or sign anything without a consular officer from my embassy). With that simple phrase, you have just become a major headache for the police. At this point, they are likely to ask: ?•???‚?? ?? ???°?? ???€?µ?‚?µ???·???? ?? ???°??? (Do you have any complaints about your treatment?) Your answer is: ???µ?‚! (No!)

Then you shake the man’s hand and say: ?’???µ???? ?????±?€??????! (Have a nice day!)

Michele A. Berdy, a Moscow-based translator and interpreter, is author of “The Russian Word’s Worth” (Glas), a collection of her columns.

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