Straight and Narrow: Metal-Mouth Madness

Americans. Rugged individualists, purveyors of democracy, lovers of the open road. Eating apple pie and driving around in their Lincoln Continentals wearing ten-gallon hats. Really. They are fascinating. Why, then, is the No. 1 question heard from Russians curious about their long-mysterious neighbors to the West: "Why do Americans have such straight teeth?"


The answer is easy, especially if you know how to say "orthodontia" in Russian. But there seems to be a deeper issue afoot. Americans do indeed have the world's straightest teeth. They also have some of the strongest and healthiest teeth. This is something truly worth being grateful for, particularly considering the unfortunate plight of Russian teeth, for which a cavity usually means a root canal, no Novocain supplied.


But this straightness thing. How important is it? Americans, for all their charms, are not necessarily any more beautiful than anyone else. (Comment not invited.) The flawless arrangement of their teeth, therefore, can't be considered a major plus. And Russians and other peoples of the world don't seem to lose points for being orthodontically challenged. To the contrary, Russians and other peoples of the world don't even seem to be aware of the fact they are orthodontically challenged. And this, in the long run, is one of the secrets to their success.


Every nation has its sad exceptions, but Russians by and large are an appealing group of people. Sundry wrinkles, scars and crooked teeth do very little to distract from their charm. They still have style and character. Most importantly, they have confidence, the ultimate good feature. There seem to be virtually no doubts, no nagging insecurities. They know what they've got and they know how to use it.


Americans, straight teeth and all, are much more likely to fidget and cover their mouths self-consciously as they speak. Anyone who's ever felt the unusual tang and pull of metal wires on their teeth knows that a lot of time, attention and money has gone into their mouth. It's no longer just something for eating or smiling. It's an investment. It's a project. And in a way, it's an admission that you thought you could stand some improving. Not very confident.


Teenagers are emotional, no matter where they are. Unfortunately, these are your formative years, the years you've got to spend deciding who you are and what you're going to like for the rest of your life. For some this means getting used to crooked teeth. For others it means years of shredded lips and aching jaws and blinding headaches that follow your regular tightenings; head gear and retainers and the eternal promise that someday you'll be a lot more attractive. Straight teeth are beautiful, and perfect for eating apple pie. But there is something to be said for the grinning and bearing it, crooked or no.