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Good Cop, Bad Cop

?????»???†?µ??????????: police officer

???€?????»?° ???µ?????° ?? ???°?€???? ?????»???µ?‚! (Spring is here, and folks are having fun!) Or: ?•?‰?‘ ???µ ???€?????»?° ???µ?????° ?? ???°?€???? ?? ?????° ???…???????‚! (Spring still isn’t here and folks are going nuts!) In any case, ?€?µ?±?€?µ?????????? (rebranding) of ?????»???†???? (militia) into ?????»???†???? (police) has been ???°?€?????????µ ?‚?????€?‡?µ???‚???? (public creativity) of the best kind. Reading the news is like a night at a comedy club.

It all started with an article on how the public should address the newly named cops. A language expert admitted that he didn’t have any idea. Theoretically, we should politely call a cop ???????????????? ?????»???†?µ?????????? (Mr. Policeman), but he said: ???‚?°?‚???? ???°???µ?? ?±?‹?????µ?? ?????»???†????, ?° ?‚?µ???µ?€?? ?????»???†???? ???°??-?‚?? ???‡?µ???? ???»???…?? ?????¶?µ?‚???? ???? ???‚?°?‚???????? ???»?????° “????????????????” (The status of our former militia and now police for some reason really doesn’t fit the status implied by the word “mister”).

On the other hand, he said, “?‚?????°?€???‰ ?????»???†?µ??????????” — ???‚?? ???‚?€?°???????µ ???€???‚???????€?µ?‡???µ ???µ?¶???? ???????µ?‚???????? “?‚?????°?€???‰” ?? ?·?°???°?????‹?? “?????»???†?µ??????????” (“comrade policeman” is a horrible contradiction — Soviet “comrade” and Western “policeman”). He suggested opening up the topic for discussion: ???µ???‡?°?? ?? ?????????‰???? ?????‚?µ?€???µ?‚?° ?????¶???? ???€?????»?µ?‡?? ?????‡?? ???°?€?????°. … ?????¶?µ?‚ ?±?‹?‚??, ???‚??-?‚?? ?????‚?€?????????‹?? ?‡?‚??-?????±?????? ?? ???€?????????°?µ?‚ (Now through the Internet you can reach a bunch of people. … Maybe someone witty will come up with something).

And so the floodgates of Russian folk wit were flung open. Someone suggested ?????»???†???????µ?€ (a mix of ?????»???†???????µ?€ and ?????»???†?µ??????????) and ???????????????? ?????»???†???????µ?€ (Mr. Policerman). Someone else was sure people would call a Russian cop “?????»????” (polyp) or “?????»???†?°??” (polizei), with all the nasty associations of Nazi Germany. Writer and opposition activist Eduard Limonov thought that the people, in their wit and wisdom, would call a cop “?????†” (putz). Another commentator was adamant: ???°?? ?±?‹?»?? “???µ???‚?°????,” ?‚?°?? ?? ?????‚?°?????‚???? (They were called “ment,” and “ment” they’ll remain).

Others had a blast with the abbreviated names of police units. ?????»???†?µ?????????µ ?????????µ???‚???€?‹ ?????€???¶???????? ?€?µ?????»???€?????°??????? (police inspectors of traffic regulation) become ?????”? ?‹, an abbreviation that sounds like a derogatory slang word for homosexual. Another writer realized that ?¶?µ?»?µ?·?????????€???¶???‹?? ???‚???µ?» ?????»???†???? (the railway unit of the militia) would now be ?¶?µ?»?µ?·?????????€???¶???‹?? ???‚???µ?» ?????»???†???? (the railway unit of the police), with the snappy abbreviation ?–???? — something like BUM (what you sit on).

The writer imagined the process of firing about 20 percent of the police as “???‚?»???? ?? ???‚???‚?€?µ?» 200 ?‚?‹?????‡ ???????»?µ?????‹?… ?????¶????????, ?????µ???‰???… ???±?€?°?‰?°?‚?????? ?? ???€???¶???µ??” (catching and shooting 200,000 laid-off men who know how to handle weapons).

But then, he suggested: “???¶?µ ?? 2012 ???????? ???° ???»???†?°?… ?±???????‚ ?????€???‚???‹?µ, ???????‚???????‚?‹?µ ?? ???€?????‚?°?»?????? ?‡?µ???‚???‹?µ ?????»???????µ???‹, ?????‚???€?‹?µ ???????????‚ ?·?°?‡???‚?°?‚?? ???°?? ???€?°???° ???° ?‚?€?‘?… ???·?‹???°?…, ?????»???‡?°?? ?„?°?€????. ???‚ ?????… ?±?????µ?‚ ???°?…?????‚?? ???°?€???¶???????? ???°?€?„????????, ???° ?„???€???µ ???‚ ?®???°?????????° ???µ ?±?????µ?‚ ???? ?????????? ?????€?‰????????, ?µ???»?? ???µ ???‡???‚?°?‚?? ?µ???‚?µ???‚???µ?????? ???‹?????€?°???‰???… ?€?µ?»???µ?„???‹?… ???‹???†.” (By 2012 the streets will be patrolled by tidy, fine-figured, purely honest policemen, who will be able to read you your rights in three languages, including Persian. They will be scented with Parisian perfume, wear uniforms by Yudashkin, and there won’t be a wrinkle on them, except for natural bulges of their muscles.)

In this utopia, the cop will ask: “?§?µ?? ?? ???????? ???°?? ?????????‡??, ?????»?????‚?????‹?? ???????????°?€???” (How can I help you, kind sir?) You’ll reply: “?’???????‚?µ ?»??, ???????°?€??, ?? ?‡?‘?? ???µ?»?? … ” (You see, sir, here’s the problem … ).

And then you wake up.

Michele A. Berdy, a Moscow-based translator and interpreter, is author of “The Russian Word’s Worth” (Glas), a collection of her columns.

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