The phone rings. Friends from home. They're coming to Moscow.


"Great," you say. "Can't wait to show you around. Plenty of room. Don't worry about a thing."


Then you hang up the phone and images of a cheerful reunion gradually give way to the realities of hosting friends and family in Moscow. Nagging questions keep you up at night. "Where do I put them? What do I do with them? How do I feed them?" Before too long you're thinking of calling them back and suggesting a meeting in the Greek Isles instead.


But fear not. While Moscow may not be a user-friendly town, entertaining visitors here does not have to be anticipated with dread. Many veteran expatriates will tell you it can be a rewarding, albeit exhausting, experience. You just have to know how to go about it.


The Preparation: The first rule of hosting is to set rules. As the host, you choose the guidelines, but be forewarned: To ignore the golden rule -- "Learn the Alphabet" -- is to flirt with disaster. At least passive recognition of most of the 32 letters is an invaluable asset to stray foreigners who brave the streets of Moscow alone. Your guests might wince at the task, but try coaxing the reluctant. Appeal to their sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Those who don't master at least enough letter recognition to read maps and metro signs will find it difficult to get around on their own. Just ask Rhonda Zangwill, who neglected the alphabet rule and spent an excessive amount of her Moscow vacation at the 1905 Metro station. It was the only stop she could actually recognize.


And then there's The List -- a precise, day-by-day plan of all the sites and events your charge must experience. The List is a requirement for any host who does not want to be racked with guilt when his loved ones spend thousands of dollars to get here and the whole vacation ends in disappointment.


In preparing The List, you need to know the quirks and preferences of your particular visitor. There are as many lists as there are guests. David, for example, may never tire of icons, whereas Casey goes wild for World War II memorabilia. And if Gerard loves the ponies so much, be sure he makes it to the track Sunday, Wednesday or Friday when the trotters run. Try for a variety of activities. If Tuesday night is booked at the ballet, why not go for a sunset river cruise on Wednesday? And most important, be sure to pencil in an evening around the kitchen table with a bottle of Stoly.


Getting Around Town: If you're lucky, your guests will be the adventurous sort. A map, a guide book and a handful of metro tokens are all they will need. The more considerate host might pack a snack for the road and send them off with a discreet scrap of paper reading, "I am lost. Please return to ..."


But not everyone is so lucky. Indeed, Russia can turn the most independent personality into a cowering homebody. Those hesitant about wandering the city alone, however, have plenty of options. There is Patriarchy Dom, a Russian-American cultural center that plans English-language excursions every day of the week. Aside from the standard Kremlin and city tours, the monthly program is varied enough to entice almost anyone on your guest list, offering everything from a visit to the Red October Chocolate Factory to literary tours of old Moscow neighborhoods. The city tours generally run 3-4 hours and cost around $10 per person. Intourist also offers city excursions at similar prices. City tours leave Monday through Saturday at 10:30 and 2:30 from the Central Intourist office.


Patriarchy Dom also ventures out of Moscow, from nearby Peredelkino to Yaroslavl, and Vladimir. Daily excursion rates vary from $15 to $45 per person, and lunch is sometimes included. Intourist also offers out-of-town excursions, but if you're going as far as Suzdal, Patriarchy Dom's prices are more competitive.


It may require more brain power, but if your friends are unlikely to join a tour they can create one of their own. Private guides and transportation can be arranged through a number of organizations, including the Traveller's Guest House, Pilgrim Tours, and Intourist, to name a few. The going rate for guides/interpreters is around $15 per hour, and you can calculate an additional $15 for a car and a driver.


Those planning for a crowd might keep in mind that Intourist still has the best rates in town for minivans, starting at $18 per hour. If you're cruising with more than four people, a Zhiguli will just not do.


Getting Out of Town: No visit to Moscow is complete without a quick jaunt to the city on the Neva. But many unsuspecting foreigners think buying train tickets is no more difficult than dialing the phone and reciting a credit card number. That's what Len Goldman thought when he came to Moscow. In many ways Goldman was the perfect guest -- he got off the plane at Sheremetyevo with no expectations and no luggage (the airline found it two days later). But even Goldman thought buying train tickets to St. Petersburg would be no more than a brief digression from an otherwise full day of sightseeing. After two hours of shuttling back and forth among the lines near Leningradsky train station, trying strategically to avoid the complicated schedule of "technological breaks," Goldman gave up and bought his tickets at a western hotel.


This is always an option, but be prepared to pay much more. The Radisson-Slavyanskaya, for example, charges $65 for a one-way, first class ticket to Petersburg, while second class is only $15 less. Another option is to try the Traveller's Guest House, which sells first class berths for $40, while a berth in a coupe is only $24. Intourist tickets to Petersburg are no bargain at $51 and $35, and you have to buy them two to three days in advance. NOTE: Intourist and the Radisson sell tickets to Petersburg only. Call a few days in advance and Traveller's can order return tickets as well.


If a quick visit to St. Pete is not enough to satisfy your hungry traveller, you can always contact Pilgrim Tours, a Moscow-based company that arranges trips for the adventurous traveller. Pilgrim's package tours feature everything from horseback riding in the outskirts of Moscow to exploring the volcanoes of Kamchatka.


The range of their packages may excite your more adventurous guests, but you'll be more excited by the fact that they arrange everything for you, from food to equipment and transportation. After a few hours of juggling technological breaks, that can be a real perk for the weary host.





Pilgrim Tours: City excursions and longer trips throughout the CIS. Private guides and transportation are available. 1st Kirpichny Pereulok 17. Telephone: 365-4563.


Patriarchy Dom: Daily excursions in and outside of Moscow. Telephone: 255-4593, 9 A.M. to 8 P.M.


Traveller's Guest House: Train and air tickets with 1-2 days' notice. Private guides and transportation, as well as city excursions are also available. Bolshaya Pereslavskaya Ulitsa 50. Telephone: 971-4059.


Intourist: Daily excursions, car and bus rentals, private guides, train and air tickets. Mokhovaya Ulitsa 13. Telephone: 292-2365/1278/2547.