On Friday, when the person who usually writes this column called from his sickbed, weaving woeful tales of high temperatures and fitful sleep, my concept of Women's Day was cemented once and for all. "I'm so sick I had to have my wife bring me the telephone just to call you," he moaned. "I'm so sick that you have to find someone else to write the column for me." He paused, gathering strength. "Oh ... and Happy Women's Day."


Indeed. S nastupayushchim zhenskim dnyom to you, too. Because what is March 8, really, if not an opportunity to clear your slate of an entire year of bad behavior in just one day. Buy a few flowers, cook a meal, do the dishes. If you make a bumbling enough show of it, she may even get so exasperated she will end up just doing it herself.


Why this strange attitude towards women in Russia? Could the answer perhaps lie in sayings like kuritsa ne ptitsa, baba ne chelovek -- a chicken isn't a bird and a woman isn't a person? Admittedly, this is an old saying, and there is no reason men should pay for the sins of the past, but this is one of the most popular grafitti slogans I have ever seen in Moscow.


Let's see. There's also baba s vozu -- kobylye legche, when the woman gets out of the carriage, it's a lot easier for the horse. And if she does the horse a really big favor and gets herself a car, it is worse for everyone all around. There is a relatively graphic way of saying this, but I will make it fit to print: Za rulyom baba -- ne yezda. Put a woman behind the wheel, and no one will be going anywhere.


The very use of baba is in essence unflattering, although not criminally so. Baba is the provincial partner of the Russian he-man, muzhik. The earthy couple ventured out of the woods a few centuries ago, and proverbs haven't been the same since.


An ever-so-slightly more encouraging saying is lyubimoi zhenshchiny dolzhno byt' mnogo -- there should be a lot of the woman you love. I have never known Russian men to show a predilection for overweight women, but this is a nice caveat in case that holiday box of candy results in a noticeable weight gain.


Here's a good one: Poslushai zhenshchiny i sdelai naoborot -- listen to what a woman has to say and do the opposite. If you are lucky, she won't even remember what she had to say in the first place, because of her foreordained devichya pamyat', or woman's memory. That must be why she is always forgetting to wash your socks or make your dinner exactly the way you like it, silly thing.


Some woman kept a grip on herself long enough to come up with a saying in return. Muzhchina -- eto promezhutochnoe zveno mezhdu obezyanoi i chelovekom, a man falls somewhere between a monkey and a person. The monkey must find this rather insulting.