It is an expatriate's recurring nightmare. There you sit, huddled in someone's kitchen, shoulder to shoulder with a throng of convivial guests. The table before you is laden with zakuski and an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Maybe it's Christmas. Maybe it's New Year's Eve. Maybe it's Masha's birthday, or Vanya's housewarming. Whatever the occasion, you know it is time to make merry.


The setting seems pleasant enough until the glasses are raised and all eyes turn to you: It is your turn to offer the toast.


You sweat. You stall. You cough a little and survey the table to make sure everyone's glass is filled. And then, somehow, you spit out a few incomprehensible sentences that are not particularly suited to the occasion. You raise your glass to your lips to indicate that you are finished.


"Was that a toast?" one of the other guests will ask skeptically.


If you are lucky, another toast -- this one quite eloquent -- will quickly proceed from your own. In fact, many more should follow. For every opportunity to celebrate there are an endless number of toasts: To the year that has passed, to the year ahead. To our health, professional success, spiritual growth, world peace. The toasts seem about as endless as the quantity of vodka it takes to wash them down.


It's a dangerous game, this toasting business. Just as your friends are likely to praise you for offering the prettiest toast, they are also likely to notice if you bomb. So know your limitations, and don't get in over your head.


Here are some tips for the accidental toaster:


?Plan your toasts several hours in advance: You can never be too prepared. If at all possible, prepare a spare toast, just in case another guest steals yours. When making merry, the standard excuse, "He said what I was going to say," just won't cut it.


?Try to get it over with as early as possible. There is no use cowering in the corner. Accept the fact that your turn to toast is inevitable, so you'd best volunteer rather than be caught unawares. If you jump in fast enough you may even be able to praise the host and hostess, or snag one of the other old standards.


?Don't clink glasses with anyone on empty. Not only is it considered bad form to choknutsa with an empty glass, it will also contribute to the commonly held view that expatriates are hopeless when it comes to a simple task like toasting. It's better to sit one out altogether than to raise an already-drained glass.


?When all else fails, there are a few standbys you can always rely on. To the future, to friendship, and love are safe bets. Or, for the truly tongue-tied, a simple poyekhali, or "let's go," may do the trick.


Genine Babakian is filling in for Daisy Sindelar, who is on vacation.